The Process of Mourning

 The Process of Mourning

The main thing I have learned about mourning is that it is a personal journey that is unique to the individual. I’ve seen the five stages of grief (mourning) described: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are simply observations that others have formulated to describe what they have seen in others. It’s not a law or rule which must be observed. They often come in various orders and random times, or not at all. There is no prescribed pattern.

I’ve also heard people place time limits on mourning (grief), saying it lasts a year, sometimes more. This also is determined by the individual. Some can process loss much differently than others. It would be wrong to make assumptions on how someone should grieve (mourn). You cannot know what is going on inside the person based on outward actions or appearance. Stop trying. Be there for them. Support them with your words and actions. Treat them as a human with feelings rather than a grieving machine, going through its program.

The most powerful tool needed by those grieving (mourning) is a friend with no agenda. When your only concern is the welfare of the one in mourning, you become an indispensable part of the healing process. Speak truth, not opinion. Give support, not commentary. Listen. The most important thing is to show up; and keep showing up. Calls, visits, cards, texts, etc. are all ways you can “be there.”

Avoid the elephant-in-the-room question of, “How are you?” If you know anything about their situation, then you already know how they are doing. If you don’t how they are doing, don’t ask. Also, there is a tendency to avoid talking about the reason for the grief. If there was a death, don’t shy away from speaking of the deceased. They were loved and are still loved. That’s the reason for grief.

Invite them to do things. They may say, “No”, but ask them anyway. It’s a struggle for some in mourning to be alone, yet they don’t want to invade other people’s events or outings. Encourage them to keep living, to get out, to experience life. Make them welcome and safe.

Even though everyone is different and may experience mourning (grief) differently, find a way to let them know you are available, and then be available. You will be a blessing, and will also be blessed.