Birth and Death

 Birth and Death

It’s been said that a baby changes everything. They are correct. At least, that was my experience. All three times. Everything changed. With a baby, there is time to prepare for change. Sometimes the news that you’re expecting is a shock, but you still have 9 months or so to get ready.

I also think a death changes everything. That has also been my experience. Unlike a baby, deaths are rarely expected. Even when one is on their “death bed,” you still never know when the actual end will arrive.

We humans take many steps to both prevent pregnancy and to conceive. Babies should be planned; at the very least, wanted. But humans also take extreme measure to prolong life. We exercise, diet, have procedures done, and a lot of other things so we will live as long a possible.

The real question for the rest of us is how we will respond. When babies are “accidents” do we treat them differently? It’s not their fault. They had no choice in the matter. They are literally a product of conception. (Please don’t hate me for using that phrase. I’m aware of the connotations.) They arrive hoping to meet a loving family which will allow them to grow into the potential given them at that moment of conception. It’s all about choices.

The news of death is never welcomed. Even when we say, “they are better off now,” speaking of heaven, suffering, etc., but they are still going to be missed. Who will step up to fill the void? Who will console the ones left behind? If you are the one left behind, how will you respond? Will your life also end because theirs did, or will you find a way to live your life in spite of the loss?

The extreme ends of response to these events can be similar. With a new baby, we can become selfish and not want to “lose our freedom” by being burdened with care for the newborn (which is almost constant). With a death we can become selfish by refusing to live without the loved one. Or, we can choose to be selfless. With the newborn, we can give ourselves over to caring for the child; to ensure that every need they have is met; to allow them to grow into all they can be. In the case of death, we can be selfless by choosing to live; to be a comfort to others affected by the death; to pursue the purpose which lives inside of you; to dream again.

“The Dash” is a poem about living life between birth and death – dates on the tombstone, separated by a dash – which is all the time we have. For the rest of us who were here before birth, and remain after death, have to determine how life outside of the “dash” of others will look. 

Before the dash we grieve if conception is delayed or worse yet, is impossible. We still live life. 

After the dash we grieve the life lived, but then have to find a way to make life work without the loved one.

Both are based on decisions. Hard decisions, but ones we have to make. Live or die. Pursue or quit. It will make all the difference.