Hitting the Wall

In the Fall of 2010 I found myself in a place I have never been. I reached a place of hopelessness. Not about life in general, but about a specific issue. I spent many sleepless nights, literally writhing in anguish, not knowing the outcome. I spoke of that time in my life as “hitting the wall.”

My wife arranged for me to see a counselor at Grace Center in Nashville. Reluctantly, I went. The folks there were really helpful and I truly found healing and help from the Lord through their ministry.

Here’s the gist of what occurred. I only share this because I think it might help someone else. As most of you know, my father died when I was nine. As difficult as that was, it was made worse by some very well-meaning people. My pastor at the time came to the hospital. In an attempt to comfort me, he said, “We don’t know why the Lord took your father.” At that moment I believed something about God that was not true. I could not understand why God would kill my daddy.

Because of the devastating effect my dad’s death had on my mom, she basically checked-out of reality and fell into a deep depression. I didn’t actually learn this until much later in life. Consequently, as young boy I was basically alone. I determined in my heart that I would take care of myself. I learned to cook, wash clothes, etc. By the time I was in high school I was pretty much living an independent life.

When I had children I attempted to meet every need they had. Because of the love I had for them, I wanted to make sure they never experienced what I did. I began to make sure they had everything they needed. In doing so, however, I had in effect become their source. Instead of teaching them to rely on the Lord, I met the need.

When I “hit the wall” it was because I could no longer meet the need that was there.

Here’s the process that got me through that time. The folks leading the Sozo session took me through several acts of forgiveness. First of all, I forgave the pastor for the misleading comments about God. I then forgave my father for dying. He was supposed to take care of me. Instead, he was gone. I then forgave my mother for “checking out” of my life. I then forgave myself for feeling I had to take care of myself instead of relying on the Lord. After all of this, which transpired over a period of about two hours, the facilitator asked me about the “wall” that I hit.

I thought it was just an expression I was using to describe what I was feeling. However, when I asked the Lord to show me the wall, I saw that it was actually a Rock. When I looked up I saw that it was the Lord Himself that I had run into. I had finally run out of myself, and had run into Him. He then picked me up and placed me on the Rock with Him, and said to me, “You can rest now.”

Regardless of where you are in your relationship with Father, please know that He loves you and is working now at trying to bring a more complete revelation of who He is, and who He wants to be in your life. Never doubt His love for you!