Improvement vs. Criticizing

I notice problems. I don't consciously look for them. They just pop out at me. This can be both a blessing and a curse. When you are attempting to fix something that is broken it is a good thing. When you are listening to something inspirational, not so much.

I know others that have this knack in them. The most important thing is what is done with the information. I attempt to use the newly identified problem to help improve things. If I notice something not working correctly on the soda fountain at the local fast-food chain, I bring it to the attention of the manager so they can correct it. If the door-closer at the church is broken I report it to the person responsible for building maintenance. Because of this, I consider myself an Improver.

Others, when learning of a problem or an issue, will tell everyone except the person that can correct the problem. These folks are Criticizers. They have no desire to see anything improve. Instead, they seek opportunities to point out flaws in others.

There are others, still, that simply do not notice the problems at all. These are called Happy People. Sometimes I wish I was one.

I remember a quote, but cannot recall the source. I believe it was from a CEO that said, "For every problem you bring to the board you also need to bring at least two possible solutions." Be an Improver!

Triggers - An Interesting Concept

Roy Roger's horse was named Trigger, but that's not the subject of today's blog. The mechanism that begins the process of firing a gun is also called a trigger, but again, not the topic.

Psychologists refer to something as a trigger that causes an emotional response. It can be a word (or just a sound), a song, a picture, a smell - just about anything - that when experienced brings an immediate emotional response. The brain has indexed certain experiences by these triggers and performs immediate recall. It is almost involuntary the way we are moved by these triggers.

The reaction to a trigger is actually a habit. You may not even be aware you have the habit. Some habits are so "comfortable" or "natural" that they are not seen as habits. That's one reason habits are hard to break. Habits, however, are not all bad. The habit of waking at a certain time because the trigger (alarm clock) set off the morning routine can help start your day on a productive note.

As we approach the new year many begin to evaluate life to see if anything needs to change. Resolutions are made, and quickly broken, because the old habits do not yield to the new ones. It takes conscious effort to make a new GOOD habit.

Back to triggers. The habits that cause us the most problems are those brought on by triggers that we do not even recognize. Why do we have sudden outbursts of anger? Overwhelming sadness can come on us suddenly and we cannot seem to put our finger on the "why". Something has triggered the response. Identifying the trigger can help begin the change that is needed to thwart the undesirable behavior.

Sometimes it may require help from a professional counselor. I'm married to a really good one if you happen to be in the market. Many times we cannot see the pattern or habitual behavior that keeps us in a non-productive cycle.

A habit is made up of three components: trigger, action, reward. Yes, your habits are designed to bring a reward. The trigger and reward are usually not the problem. It's the actions we take in between the two that cause the problems. If we can identify the trigger, we can then alter the behavior (action) that follows, and still reap the reward afterward. We simply replace the action with something that will bring a good outcome instead of the destructive actions we normally choose.

Regardless of when you begin, it will require constant attention until one day you are simply doing the new action "habitually". That is the beginning of a new life. Not habit-free, but productive instead of destructive. Live well!

Me Three

Disclaimer: This is not an opinion article about the #METOO movement.

I think it can safely be stated that the prevalent state of mind, at least for us in the Western culture, is "Me". This is not new. It has simply been amplified though all of the forms of media we have at our disposal.

Self-preservation is a core impulse built into our very fiber.
1. When faced with danger our body automatically kicks into "fight or flight" response.
2. When great emotional stress is placed on us our brain can disconnect (become dissociative), in order to preserve our well being.
3. Deflecting the blame is as old as Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

I remember from my childhood when a group of kids would be asked a question, one would immediately begin to cry out, "Me, me, me!" Another would chime in with, "Me, too!" Then another, "Me, three!" We all want to be chosen. We all want to be considered special. When we perceive this is not the case, it can cause poor behavior in order to attract attention. Other, out of their frustration, may actually attempt to harm themselves, or others.

In these days let us remember to treat everyone with respect, even if we do not feel they deserve it. That is not our call. Give them the same respect you would want to receive. Speak a kind word. Give a smile. You never know how it might affect their day.

The Game Called Communication

Language has become my favorite pastime. There are so many things about it that keeps me curious, but here a few for you to consider.

When I took Spanish in college, the first few chapters of the text was incredible. It described the near perfect language that had rules for everything (and I love rules). We studied verb conjugation, looking at the vosotros and nosotros forms. I loved it. It all made sense. Then the most dreaded chapter in the entire text appeared: Irregular Verbs. That's when I started hating Spanish.

It is interesting however, that English has the same problems, it's just that I grew up learning English. The most common irregular verbs are verbs of being. Words like is, am, are, was, were, etc. If you did not speak the language you would not immediately recognize how closely these are related. But, all of them speak of the same subject: states of being.

Perhaps we have such a difficult time communicating our state of being that our language reflects this. It is something to consider.

Another thing that makes language difficult is the use of idioms and colloquial expressions. Several stories from speaking with interpreters come to mind. The term "brand new" makes perfect sense in our Western culture, but Kenyan's have no idea what it means. The word "snit" does not translate well either.

A term my mom used often was "off like a jug handle." Many have never seen a jug, and did not know they had handles. Add the Southern drawl to it is unintelligible to most.

Yet, we still have to communicate, and our native tongue is the best shot we have of getting our message across. The only thing I know to do is keep trying.

Christmas Memories

I only remember about three Christmases from my childhood.

The first is when I wound up in the emergency room. My brother and I were on the front porch bouncing a ball against the house which had recently been decorated with Christmas lights. These were the old colored incandescent bulbs (the real ones). The ball hit a bulb and it burst, sending fragments of glass into my eyes. Fortunately there were no long-term affects on my vision.

The second was the last Christmas we had with my dad. It was such an amazing experience. There were more presents that morning than I had ever seen. Each of us had a pile of gifts. If we had only known that five months later dad would be gone, our focus might have been a little different.

The last Christmas from my childhood that I recall is the first Christmas without my dad. I had a very sour attitude. I knew the truth about Santa, and just wanted my presents. I didn't want to wait until Christmas morning. I wanted them Christmas Eve, when some of my friends' families opened all of their gifts.

During my middle years I did not enjoy Christmas. Even after the kids came along, there always seemed to be something that would ruin the moment: a broken gift, the wrong gift, family rifts, or just plain tired. I always dreaded the holidays.

Something changed, fortunately, that has brought a great relief from the holiday doldrums. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but part of it stemmed from a fresh look at the Christmas story told in scripture. I found the part about Anna and Simeon that had never been told, at least not that I recall, in the telling of the Christmas story growing up.

One of the most significant experiences that brightened Christmastime for me was hearing Jack Hayford speak on his book, "The Mary Miracle." It is one of the best I've ever read.

When I learned there were those who anticipated the coming Messiah all of their life, and to finally see Him, gave me hope again that life is worth living ... every moment of it, including the holidays.

Gifts still break, or the wrong gift is still given, but I believe the main difference is inside me.

Glass Half Full/Empty

I'm not a glass half empty nor half full. I'm more of a "drink if you're thirsty, fill it up if you're not" kind of person. I tend to be utilitarian in my approach to most things. I focus on outcomes, but am mindful of processes needed to achieve those outcomes, and aim for doing them in the most efficient way possible.

This is not always optimal. I have learned (through many times of getting it wrong!) that sometimes people are not interested in efficiency. They enjoy the journey, even though it may not be the quickest or most effective. Some enjoy reading the backstory instead of "just the facts." The long way is not always the wrong way.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships efficient does not equal effective. People require time. An individual is not a problem to solve. That leads to Machiavellianism. Approach others as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to enjoy, not to correct. This will make you both better people.

Always Start at the Beginning

There are problems in the world. Since Eden, there have always been problems in the world. Our approach to solving them determines how successful we are at living a productive, peaceful life.

If every problem you have is external (someone else's fault) you can never live at peace. Before asking your neighbor to be nicer, why not try to be nicer yourself? Most problems are noticed because we are not at peace with ourself. This is always the first place to start.

Introspection is almost non-existent today. We have information streaming toward us 24/7/365 with no breaks to process the data. The negative, of course, catches our attention much more quickly than the positive. As the negative inputs begin to amass we start to recoil to counter act them without taking time to consider whether we are actually part of the problem.

Self-examination is usually not fun. It is hard to confront the evil that lives inside of us. That's why most avoid it. Let's keep the focus on others, because after all, they are much more evil than me!

Until you take time to find out what is on the inside, why the negative news affects you the way it does, you do not know if you are actually the one that needs to change.