This is a difficult piece to write, mainly because I’m outside of my comfort zone in writing it. Three months ago, I would not have even thought of placing this is the public domain, primarily out of fear of what someone might think or say about me. Today, I’m a different person.
A number of years ago, quite frankly I don’t recall how long ago, a dear friend recommended a book which described his spiritual journey at that time. He had become frustrated by what he saw in the local church and was simply seeking answers. The title of the book is, “So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore?” When I heard the title, I was a little hesitant to read it. I was in vocational ministry, “serving God” in the local church. Why would anyone not want to go to church?
The problem was, I too had some questions. There were things that didn’t seem to add up. The respect I had for those in church leadership had caused me to never question anything. In order to be a team player on a church staff, you did everything you could to support the ministry of the local church, and to promote its programs.
I read the book. When I finished it, I had bigger questions. These questions drove me to start looking for answers. I read other books, like “Pagan Christianity,” “100 Years from Now,” “The Divine Conspiracy,” “The Present Future,” “Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes,” “Beyond Evangelical,” and more recently, “Faith After Doubt,” “A Crazy Holy Grace,” “Twisted Scripture,” “Daring Greatly,” and “The Sin of Certainty.”
There is no common thread in these books, but each one brought an aspect of truth which has propelled me forward in forming, or reforming, my spiritual understanding of God, and how I relate to Him. Just so we are clear, I have never considered forsaking my faith, nor have I questioned God’s love for me. I feel both of these areas have only been strengthened in the past few years as I have struggled to understand the role of the local church compared to the Kingdom of God represented by The Church.
This thought came to me as I was working around the house today, mulching, trimming shrubs, demolishing a deck, painting, and a few other things. While working, I was listening to music. One of the songs on my playlist is called, “That’s What I Love About Sunday,” written by a local songwriter, Mark Narmore. I love this song. It was a big hit back in 2005, but I never heard it because I only listened to Christian worship music back in those days. Because that’s what you are supposed to do as a good Christian. I worked at a church, only hung out with Christian people, and only listened to Christian music.
This song is quite simple. It talks about what most people in the South do on Sundays: go to church, eat Sunday dinner, take a nap, go fishing, play football; “not too much of anything” as the song puts it. This has not been my experience of Sunday for close to 45 years. Far from it. I grew to hate Sundays. I was always physically drained by Sunday night, not to mention emotionally taxed by dealing with “church folks.” More times than not, I ended Sunday frustrated spiritually, always thinking there was something more, or guilt-ridden over all the ways in which I had failed God by not experiencing His “presence” in a more tangible way.
As I listen each time to the song, “That’s What I Love About Sunday,” I feel a sense of loss over the years I missed by not having a simplistic approach to the Christian life. Christianity is not hard. It’s no harder than being a son. Growing up I never considered how I could be a better son so my parents would love me. They loved me regardless. Yet, in the church, we try to make things so difficult that it winds up frustrating those who simply want to “glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” (The Shorter Catechism) We begin adding to the list all the things that makes up a “good” Christian. These rules and regulations suck the life right out of new converts who think they have finally found the answer they were seeking.
I entered into ministry out of a sense of guilt and obligation. When asking questions of church leaders in my early teen years, I was convinced there was a “call of God” on my life. I thought that made me special. I began to move in the direction of “fulfilling the call” so God would like me more. I attended college, I read books, I attended conferences, I developed friendships, all for the sake of the call. After spending my entire adult life in part-time or full-time vocational ministry, I wound up in the same place Solomon came to in his book, Ecclesiastes: all is vanity. I enjoyed much of the work I did during those years. Many happy times occurred, and I felt like important things were accomplished during those years. However, when my tenure ended, I was left with a very empty feeling that it had all been a ruse. I felt cheated somehow, mainly because I worked for a wage well below my earning potential. I ended my ministry career with very little to show for the 80+ hour workweeks.
I understand that is not why most people go into vocational ministry. Most approach it with an altruistic ideal that they are “serving God” and should not expect anything in return. And most local churches make sure that you don’t get much in return.
I’m not anti-local church. I would like to find one that seems more in tune with what I feel the mission of the local church should be. Right now, I’m content to fellowship with my Father, learn more of His character and His ways, and fellowship with other Believers when I can.
Maybe this will upset some people who think I am dead wrong, thinking only of myself. Maybe this will cause some to give pause and think about what I shared because they too have had similar experiences. And maybe this will evoke some real debate about what the New Testament Church is supposed to look like. Regardless of your response, I pray that you will either continue in a genuine relationship with the Father or begin to seek Him out and establish one. Don’t rely on a minister or other church leader to mandate what your relationship will look like. God loves you! He wants to have fellowship with you!
